Triticum Turgidum

Lying Dormant and Waiting to Bloom Since 2005

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Location: The Prairie, Illinois, United States

I am a beauty-loving ambidextrous higher-order primate who learned transcendental meditation at 7, statistical analysis at 23, tap dancing at 30, and piano at 35. I tolerate gluten, lactose, and differences of opinion, but not abuse. Or beets.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I'm Pregnant

Yup. Been waiting to share the news but didn't feel safe doing so until we got a heartbeat. I'm an old bag, you see, and miscarriage is more common among old bags than young bags. They call a first-time pregnant woman over the age of 35 a "senile prima gravida." Chew on that for a while.

Anyway, we had our first ultrasound last Wednesday and saw the heart beating (146bpm). The due date is Valentine's Day 2006.

Seeing a little person kicking around in there was cool. I instantly wanted to give it a name. "Cletus the Fetus" was appealing but trite. Hmm. What to do? Hey, how about celebrity offspring names? "Apple," "Dweezil," "Banjo," and "Peaches," all perfectly enchanting, weren't quite insane enough. I thought briefly about "George" so I could tell people I was carrying George Foreman's fifth son, but Greg quickly nixed that.

The answer, when it came, was like a bolt of lightning. Of course! There is only one truly insane, truly embarrassing celebrity name. The others are minor league in comparison. It's the name Jermaine Jackson proudly gave to two of his sons (yes, two). Ready?

****drum roll****

Ladied and gentlemen, I present you the fetus, JERMAJESTY.

Like half of the population of pregnant old bags (sorry, senile prima gravidas), I'll be getting an amniocentesis so G and I can get Jermajesty's genetic profile. We can also learn his/her sex that way. Please wish me luck. There's a small miscarriage risk but we feel we NEED TO KNOW about possible genetic disorders. What we choose to do with that information is our business.

Prior to becoming pregnant I wondered if pregnancy would alter my beliefs about abortion rights. I figured (feared) that if there were any change, it would be in the direction of increased sympathy for the anti-choice camp.


There's nothing like being pregnant to make you realize that forcing pregnancy and parenthood on a girl or woman is tantamount to forcing her into slavery. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about my condition and how my actions are affecting the fetus. I no longer live for myself. My body has become a life support system for a little someone I don't know but for whom I am entirely responsible. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes -- yes, skinny, natural-foods-eating, workout-queen ME, how freaking ironic -- and my life is now marked by 6 meals and 4 blood draws a day. And guess who's paying for my healthcare? Well, me, of course. Because I'm employed and have benefits. That's one of the pluses of being a senile prima gravida.

Fortunately G and I very much want this little someone. Jermajesty is ours and his/her creation was consensual. But as long as we live in a world where rape and incompetent birth control exist, there will be nonconsensual conceptions. And nonconsensual pregnancies. And exorbitant healthcare bills, all the responsibility of the pregnant woman. And that's only the start of it. Once the baby is born... Well, you get the picture.

I was wearing a t-shirt silkscreened with the above Barbara Kruger print on the day we got our positive pregnancy test (June 5). It's Kruger's way of demonstrating her pro-choice stance. I can't wait until I'm showing so I can wear it again with my belly sticking way out.

That oughtta discourage strangers from patting my midriff.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations Kris & DH, on the coming of Jermajesty. I had gestation diabetes also & NO problems. My sons have never shown any signs of it. Great news & have a happy time, still miss you 'Iris lady 'on the boards. Katie

6:27 PM, July 23, 2005  
Blogger jane said...

Congratulations! And with that heartrate, I think it's a girl.You are very early, I think, to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes-I hope you see a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor,as you may really be a diabetic or were misdiagnosed. Usually they don't even test for this until after 16 weeks.

7:36 PM, July 23, 2005  
Blogger mreenymo said...

This is wonderful news! Jermajesty is a lucky, lucky baby to have such great parents.

Don't sweat it: you are not too old to have a baby. I had my youngest at 40, and I must say he has kept me feeling young, vibrant and healthy. :):)

Oh, and by the way, Jermaine's now grown daughter is named Autumn, so he did display some taste when he was younger.


10:43 PM, July 23, 2005  
Blogger NowSmellThis said...

Congratulations!!! Wishing you a happy & healthy pregnancy K.

7:35 AM, July 24, 2005  
Blogger WinterWheat said...

Thank you all! *mwah*

Robin -- the rest of his kids (sons included) have totally reasonable names too. I have no idea what happened with "Jermajesty," or why he decided to use the name TWICE. I had a huge crush on him as a kid, so this is all a bit bewildering for me. He was just so CUTE, and cute people aren't supposed to do silly things. ;-)

Jane -- thanks for your comments. I'm not sure whether a glucose tolerance test is pro forma at my clinic, but they gave it to me at my first appointment when I got the rest of my bloodwork done (6 weeks). Then I had the three-hour fasting follow-up 2 weeks later. Failed both. Fasting levels are fine or even low; the problem comes after meals. So far I've been able to control it just fine with diet, but dinner is a challenge. Even small amounts of carbs can put me over the limit. For instance, the other night I had a caesar salad (probably 5 carbs total) and half a small oatmeal cookie (additional 15 carbs), and my glucose was over the limit of 120.


9:30 AM, July 24, 2005  
Blogger mireille said...

I am SO happy for you! With as much insight as you have -- never mind the terrific taste in fragrance -- this child is going to be WONDERFUL. I mean insight and fragrance, that's what you need to parent perfectly, right? Seriously, Kris, best wishes, mazel tov, congratulations to you and your husband!!! xoxoxo

10:51 AM, July 24, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I am overcome with joy at this news!!! :)



p.s. Angie is sitting right next to me and she's happy for you as well!

4:12 PM, July 24, 2005  
Anonymous SuburbanSue said...

Kris!! Congratulations! I am so happy for you. What incredible, sensational news.

Pregnancy - especially the first time around - is an amazing journey. Try to enjoy it as much as you can. I know, I know, that sounds like a platitude. But when I look back on my pregnancies, I realize all the grousing and bitching I did over being uncomfortable, nauseated, emotional, etc., was a waste of time when I should have been reveling at the miracle inside my body -- and enjoying the little free time I had left before the round-the-clock work of caring for a newborn!

Oh, just wanted to mention as well...I had gestational diabetes both times. If you ever want to chat about that (or anything else, for that matter) feel free to drop me a line. I found certain meal combos that worked to keep my blood glucose in line, and others that sent it skyrocketing. I could, for example, eat a hamburger on a bun, but not with fries. Bun or fries, but not both.

Well, enough of my excited ramblings. I'll end by simply saying, you are going to be an excellent mom.

1:06 AM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger Atreau said...

Oh Kris I'm so happy for you!

Sending all the luck I can muster up for my fellow Graves girl!

Jermajesty is one lucky, lucky fetus!

Take care of yourself babe!

1:44 AM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger cjblue said...

Kris, how wonderful! I almost shrieked at my computer. I'm super happy for you, G and Jermajesty.

My first daughter was named Alamo while I was pregnant (after a TX road trip with my best friend), and I think to some she was known as Zig-Zag but I don't remember why, except that it had nothing to do with rolling papers.

My second daughter I just called "The Alien."

Best of luck with your amnio, and above all, don't worry. Ultrasounds are amazing, aren't they? Wow. This is so exciting! What a lucky baby, to be joining your amazing family. (((hugs))) to you both, and jermajesty too.

Just wait till J starts kicking - that's the coolest part. Then you really feel like there's an alien in there. Woohoo!

8:12 AM, July 25, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations, Kris!!! How exciting! The due date is perfect. ;) So, can you still wear perfume?


9:06 AM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger WinterWheat said...

Ina -- alas, no. It's not actively sickening, but close. I'm having some luck with the Frapin room sprays (Attic especially) because they're so light, but even then I grow sick of them by the end of the day. Woe is me! The one upshot is that I have increased sympathy for people who get sickened by too much perfume. I'm a little more sensitive to the whole issue now. :-)

10:14 AM, July 25, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats! SO happy for you. :)


10:26 AM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger Kyahgirl said...

Oh Kris, I'm so happy for you and your dh! This is wonderful news. I was a prima gravida twice. They didn't put the senile in front of it, maybe there is something different about you LOL :-)

I also had amnio twice. I must tell you, the second time was an excruciating decision because now we KNEW so much better, what it would mean to have to decide to terminate a pregancy. And you're right, these things are totally your choice and no one else's business.

As a scientist, I must tell you something that me and dh did. When we had our first amnio, we had decided we both wanted to know the gender but by the time the results were ready dh had changed his mind. So, only I found out that we were having a girl and Ikept it a secret from the whole world. That was hard. For the next pregnancy, I wanted to know the gender again but dh convinced me that, to really determine which way is better, I had to go without knowing. Likewise, he had to try it my way. So, next time, he knew the gender and I didn't. (Yes, I may have mentioned before that we're both analytical nerds). Anyway, he says it was the hardest thing he's ever done and I must say that when my son was born ( I was sure I was having another girl) it was the sweetest little suprise you could ever imagine. I'm still not sure which way is better but will have to forgo collecting more data. Two babies for an old bag like me is more than enough!

All the best to you Kris.

11:42 AM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger katiedid said...

Only you could turn an essay that most people would write drenched with sentimentality and utter twee-ness into something hilarious. Friggin' Jermajesty? Heh. And I love the shirt idea - gaaaaawwwwd I hated when strangers would rub my belly. Husband got annoyed with me when I was pregnant, because for a while, when someone would rub my belly I'd turn sideways and rub theirs too. I understand folks are curious, but that's no excuse.

1:06 PM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger katiedid said...

OOPS - and congrats, btw!

1:07 PM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger Jonniker said...

OMG you are so freaking FUNNY, K. I love you. First off, I, too, almost started shrieking with excitement when I read the news. My second reaction was no more tame - I was HOWLING with laughter at Jermajesty. Seriously, OMFG, that is so funny. You are so funny.

Jermajesty is just plain LUCKY. Congratulations!!!! xxoo

1:22 PM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger anjali said...

Oh Kris, I can't tell you how incredibly happy this makes me! Congratulations to you and G, and all my best wishes to the little gestating one :)

3:54 PM, July 25, 2005  
Anonymous glamourpuss said...


I'm justly joyous about gentle, gestating Jermajesty. Jumping Jehosephat! Jammin' jolly! Geez, that's just grand!

Seriously, congratulations! Please forgive my alliterative outburst; I couldn't help it. At least I didn't use Geritol, and I certainly could have. ;-) All the best to you and Greg. You'll make wonderful parents.

::little heart thingie::

~ L

8:40 PM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger Niobium said...

I will be pro-choice until every pregnancy is wanted, planned, prepared for, and well thought out by all parties involved. There is plenty of birth control to go around, getting consistant access to it is where the problem lies.

Forced parenthood is slavery, regardless of the gender of the parents.

8:41 PM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger Niobium said...

that should be 'lays' not 'lies'.

8:44 PM, July 25, 2005  
Anonymous lightspeed said...

Deepest congratulations on your wonderful news!
(Sorry about your new perfume sensitivity)
Can't wait to read your upcoming posts!
: )

10:50 AM, July 26, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

K, if you and the germinating Jermlette don't email me RIGHT NOW I may explode. --(my username at that hotmail place). Super secret code word so you know who this is: VAT of Tabu.

4:55 PM, July 27, 2005  
Anonymous delfsan1 said...

I am such a dork...I commented on your news in the wrong spot...Congratulations to you and G! I know you will be a super cool Mom. Maybe time to check out that J&J cologne :)

5:23 PM, July 27, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darling Kris, I couldn't BE any happier for you at this news. Big perfume preggers tip: Cologne Bigarade, babe. It was all I could wear.

(((hugs to you, DH & Jermajesty)))

X Farran

6:24 PM, July 27, 2005  
Blogger purple_kangaroo said...

Hey, congrats! Just wanted to tell you my DH's mom was something like 47 when she got pregnant with him and he was just fine. :)

5:36 PM, July 28, 2005  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...


I should have read this oost first and forgotton about that book.

I cannot tell you how happy I am for the three of you!!

6:40 PM, July 31, 2005  
Blogger Urban Chick said...

many congratulations! i too read the toni w post first

but i remember well the joy of seeing a heartbeat after years of TTC (and IVF) - in our case, someone was hiding, 'cause another one was spotted at 12 weeks!!

look forward to hearing news of your and jermajesty's progress in the coming months...


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