I'm Pregnant

Yup. Been waiting to share the news but didn't feel safe doing so until we got a heartbeat. I'm an old bag, you see, and miscarriage is more common among old bags than young bags. They call a first-time pregnant woman over the age of 35 a "senile prima gravida." Chew on that for a while.

Anyway, we had our first ultrasound last Wednesday and saw the heart beating (146bpm). The due date is Valentine's Day 2006.

Seeing a little person kicking around in there was cool. I instantly wanted to give it a name. "Cletus the Fetus" was appealing but trite. Hmm. What to do? Hey, how about celebrity offspring names? "Apple," "Dweezil," "Banjo," and "Peaches," all perfectly enchanting, weren't quite insane enough. I thought briefly about "George" so I could tell people I was carrying George Foreman's fifth son, but Greg quickly nixed that.

The answer, when it came, was like a bolt of lightning. Of course! There is only one truly insane, truly embarrassing celebrity name. The others are minor league in comparison. It's the name Jermaine Jackson proudly gave to two of his sons (yes, two). Ready?

****drum roll****

Ladied and gentlemen, I present you the fetus, JERMAJESTY.

Like half of the population of pregnant old bags (sorry, senile prima gravidas), I'll be getting an amniocentesis so G and I can get Jermajesty's genetic profile. We can also learn his/her sex that way. Please wish me luck. There's a small miscarriage risk but we feel we NEED TO KNOW about possible genetic disorders. What we choose to do with that information is our business.

Prior to becoming pregnant I wondered if pregnancy would alter my beliefs about abortion rights. I figured (feared) that if there were any change, it would be in the direction of increased sympathy for the anti-choice camp.

Wrong.

There's nothing like being pregnant to make you realize that forcing pregnancy and parenthood on a girl or woman is tantamount to forcing her into slavery. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about my condition and how my actions are affecting the fetus. I no longer live for myself. My body has become a life support system for a little someone I don't know but for whom I am entirely responsible. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes -- yes, skinny, natural-foods-eating, workout-queen ME, how freaking ironic -- and my life is now marked by 6 meals and 4 blood draws a day. And guess who's paying for my healthcare? Well, me, of course. Because I'm employed and have benefits. That's one of the pluses of being a senile prima gravida.

Fortunately G and I very much want this little someone. Jermajesty is ours and his/her creation was consensual. But as long as we live in a world where rape and incompetent birth control exist, there will be nonconsensual conceptions. And nonconsensual pregnancies. And exorbitant healthcare bills, all the responsibility of the pregnant woman. And that's only the start of it. Once the baby is born... Well, you get the picture.

I was wearing a t-shirt silkscreened with the above Barbara Kruger print on the day we got our positive pregnancy test (June 5). It's Kruger's way of demonstrating her pro-choice stance. I can't wait until I'm showing so I can wear it again with my belly sticking way out.

That oughtta discourage strangers from patting my midriff.