Triticum Turgidum

Lying Dormant and Waiting to Bloom Since 2005

My Photo
Location: The Prairie, Illinois, United States

I am a beauty-loving ambidextrous higher-order primate who learned transcendental meditation at 7, statistical analysis at 23, tap dancing at 30, and piano at 35. I tolerate gluten, lactose, and differences of opinion, but not abuse. Or beets.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Too Cute

All Beatles fans who also happen to be breeders should be alerted to the existence of these tees, available (on sale!) at

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's a banner year for the Wheat household. We found out yesterday that the IVF worked. It freaking WORKED. The RE gave us a 10-15% chance of success, and we snagged the brass ring. What's more, the sonogram showed not one but TWO little sacs, and TWO little heartbeats. Sac 1 is measuring right on target. Sac 2 is lagging about a week behind, so the docs warned us that it could be "resorbed" by my body. We'll know more at the 8-week sono, scheduled for December 10.

I can't begin to tell you how lucky I feel. As I posted months ago, I was originally given a 5% chance of ever having another child from my own eggs. 2008 brought us two unsuccessful IUIs and one unsuccessful IVF. This second IVF was our last attempt. I was looking forward to buying myself a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue as a consolation prize. Then I got the two blue lines and refused to believe my good fortune until yesterday's 6-week sono proved it. We're not out of the woods yet, obviously, but I'm hopeful, optimistic, and above all, very, VERY thankful. I hope you too find reason for deep, heartfelt thanks this year.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

So!! It's been ages since I last posted because I've been pre-occupied with fertility matters again. I'm doing my second and final round of IVF. Yesterday they transferred four embryos--four!--because that's all we had and because all four are of lousy quality. Apparently for people like me whose eggs mill around their ovaries using canes and walkers (or as my friend M suggested, Jazzy power chairs, which look like tiny riding lawnmowers, see above), transferring four embryos doesn't raise the risk of us becoming Jon and Kate plus Eight; rather, it maximizes the likelihood that even one will take, which my doc says is about 10-15%. So we're really just doing this to put it past us and get on with life. Thank heaven Illinois is one of only nine states that require insurers to cover infertility treatment. Anyway, here's the gross, Halloween-relevant part--ready for it? After the transfer today I felt all achy and tired and all-around lousy. I chalked it up to the progesterone they have me taking at night. Then I woke in the middle of the night and realized I'd contracted a cold: sore throat, stuffy nose, shivers, headache behind the eyeballs. When the reproductive endocrinologist transferred the embryos today, he was whispering during the procedure. We asked if he was okay, and he said he had laryngitis and felt awful; he would have stayed home except for his commitment to complete my procedure. As far as I know, a cold needs a few days to germinate. Which means I probably contracted my cold from him before he even knew he had a cold, back on Monday when he did the egg retrieval. Since the egg retrieval requires the doctor to sit at the business end of the reproductive system and stick needles through the walls of the vagina and suck out the eggs from each follicle, it's likely that I contracted his cold through my vagina. He sneezed and I contracted his cold through my vagina. Bghggghhlllgghharghhhllgghhhaaargh! **SHUDDER** Can you think of anything grosser for Halloween? I can't. Now go eat some candy (or--heh heh--some eggs).
p.s. I realize this makes two vagina-themed posts in a row. Sorry. Next time I post I'll give equal time to the penis. Election day is coming up so there will be plenty of opportunities to acknowledge the penis.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Mmmm! Are those... tomatoes?

Beans 'n' Franks are for feebs. Whenever I'm invited to a potluck, I bring Peas 'n' Vaginas.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

September 24, 2008

It's officially one year until I begin reeking.
Better start stocking up on perfume now.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


Am I the only one who hates moving so much that she can't be bothered to clean out the cupboards before packing everything away? I have been known to move expired items.

I've moved three times in the past 12 years. Today I discovered just how extreme my laziness can get.


The following item was found in my cupboard today at 18:00 hours:

At 18:02, the following information was noted:

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new record.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Ave Satani Bambini

I recently downloaded an iTunes collection of classic horror film soundtrack songs (Halloween and fall weather can't come a moment too soon), and the theme song from The Omen (yes, it's actually called "Ave Satani") was part of the collection. Am I bad mother if I admit that "Ave Satani" was the first song that came to mind when I saw this picture?

Rabbit Rabbit

When I was growing up, my mother told me that if I said "rabbit, rabbit" first thing upon awakening at the start of a new month, I'd have good luck for the entire month. Even better, if I said it upon awakening at the start of a new year, I'd have good luck for the entire year. Thus was born my addiction to the monthly challenge of remembering to say rabbit rabbit before any other thought slips from my sleep-addled brain and out through my mouth.

I have good company in my friend M over at c'est chic. She has the same addiction, and every month she posts a picture of a rabbit on her blog. Unfortunately, by the time I read her blog I've already blown it. My hit rate across the span of a year is usually about 33%. What's the first thing I say during the months I fail to say rabbit rabbit? Usually "Goddammit Cowgirl, it's 5:00, can't you wait?" I sincerely hope the love I get from my dog makes up for all the luck she's lost me.