Triticum Turgidum

Lying Dormant and Waiting to Bloom Since 2005

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Location: The Prairie, Illinois, United States

I am a beauty-loving ambidextrous higher-order primate who learned transcendental meditation at 7, statistical analysis at 23, tap dancing at 30, and piano at 35. I tolerate gluten, lactose, and differences of opinion, but not abuse. Or beets.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

No Shrinking Violet

I was the girl in the locker room who shrank into a corner and changed as quickly as possible, hoping no one would catch a glimpse of her AAAs. Even if they'd been perfect Playboy Cs, though, I still would have hidden. I grew up with two older brothers and virtually no privacy, so the We're All Girls Here philosophy of public dress and undress has always been foreign to me.

That is, it was foreign to me, until I pooped (repeatedly) on the delivery table while trying to push out my daughter, and exposed my breasts without hesitation to six-count-'em-six lactation consultants over the following month. I have almost no modesty left. The bizarre thing is that the person I seem to be confiding in most about my bodily, er, challenges, is my dad. We had a lengthy conversation today about hemorrhoids, constipation, thrush on the nipples, mastitis, and other postpartum delights. I hung up with that satisfied feeling I always get when I receive useful advice, until it occurred to me that I'd received it FROM MY DAD. Gaaah.

I wonder how many other daughters turn to their dads for ass-related advice. It's like each part of the body has its designated consultants:

"Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh?"

"Dad, do you ever get that itching, burning sensation?"

"Sis, what do you do for carpal tunnel syndrome?"

On a totally unrelated note, this made me laugh out loud. God bless The Onion.


Blogger PFG said...

Niiiice. The hell with The Onion - your post made me laugh out loud. So which family member does one ask about stress incontinence? I think I'd ask my aunt.

10:55 PM, April 30, 2006  
Blogger mreenymo said...

OMG! I went to high school with Bill Nye. He was a year ahead of me. Knowing the Class of '73, I don't doubt that what he is saying is true...and who would have thought that he would become so famous?

12:34 PM, May 01, 2006  
Blogger Urban Chick said...

motherhood: the original 12 step dignity loss programme

but you know what? life is more relaxing once you have waved goodbye to your dignity


2:56 PM, May 01, 2006  
Blogger Bela said...

LOL! I understand the feeling perfectly. After my mastectomies I wanted to (and sometimes did) show my scars to anyone who expressed any interest. Wanna see? ;-)

Not sure about 'below the belt', though. Or discussing intimate stuff with Daddy (mine wouldn't have liked that at all).

Great post! Fifi's still cute.

(Hey, just noticed the disabled thingy next to the WV below.)

10:37 AM, May 02, 2006  
Blogger Lulu said...

OMG! I clicked the little wheelchair symbol out of curiosity and my screen went black. Not a thing could I do. Took two restarts to make my modem work again. What is it meant to do??????

12:57 PM, May 02, 2006  
Blogger PFG said...

the wheelchair image is a new way for visually impaired folks to access the word verification figures. I'm not gonna click it after what you described happening! Got enough modem problems already thanks. Here's the info on it.

1:41 PM, May 02, 2006  
Anonymous jonniker said...

OMG HA. Dads. Helpful for "down there."

I can't even imagine, and I'm so open about that stuff normally, but my dad? AAAAAH.

10:41 PM, May 02, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am the only person I have ever met who developed carpal tunnel syndrome from using a manual breast pump! Two babies later, still hurts when driving. (thank god, I can still web-surf no prblem!) What does this have to do with your post? Well, not a lot, but it kind of links the various themes together...


11:19 PM, May 23, 2006  

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