My Body Is a Stern Taskmaster
That's what my friend Mindy said when I told her about my... er... explosive reaction to a bag of Splenda-sweetened mints.
I'm thinking about her words again today as I trudge around, immersed in molasses, bilious and angry that a carb binge once again had me irreversibly awake at 3:30 a.m. with scorching heartburn, a distended stomach, and shortness of breath.
Let me define binge: 3 bowls of Bran Buds cereal. My body can't even handle a mild overdose of Bran Buds. Pathetic.
There comes a point at which you just have to acknowledge that something cannot be yours, no matter how illogical or unfair it is. I'm allergic to water? No, that can't be possible. Here, let me take a sip. *barf* Oooh, that was unpleasant. Whoever heard of a body that can't tolerate water? Let me take another sip. *barf* Hm, maybe I should use a different glass *barf* or drink it at a different time *barf* or drink it warm *barf* or drink it cold *barf* or or or *barf* *barf* *barf*
Who said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time? The problem is, as a social scientist, I like to think I'm tweaking one variable each time and see if that makes things different. I'm in denial that I'm essentially doing the same thing every single time, and suffering the same consequences. Maybe it'll be okay if I have dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate...
I have to come to terms with the fact that my body is joyfully willing to kick its own ass every time I overstep a boundary that it scratched indelibly in the dirt the last time it kicked its own ass. So far it's made two boundaries abundantly clear:
(1) artificial sweeteners are OFF-LIMITS
(2) carbs must be limited to about 25g per meal
I can handle #1 with no problem. It's #2 that's killing me. I want to be like a normal person. I want to eat a sandwich with two slices of bread. I want to have a bowl of cereal, not a ramekin. I want to eat a whole banana. I want to eat a piece of the omnipresent coffee cake in the administrative office without subsequently feeling like someone's taken a blowtorch to my esophagus. I want to eat a chocolate bar and still be able to sleep at night.
But I can't. I can't do any of that. My body has told me this repeatedly. When will I learn? Maybe when I'm sick of feeling like garbage. Today I'm sick of feeling like garbage. I guess that's what they mean by hitting rock bottom. I really do feel like I'm walking around with rocks in my bottom.
In my own defense, the vast majority of pregnant women -- some 96% -- don't have to deal with gestational diabetes. And of the 4% who do, the vast majority are diagnosed somewhere around the 28-week mark. So they have to follow this hateful diet -- and keep in mind it's hateful because the one thing almost all pregnant women crave is carbs -- for 12 weeks or so. I, on the other hand, was diagnosed at 8 weeks, meaning I have to eat a restricted-carb diet for 32 weeks. I've already been on this diet for 14 weeks and I've got another 18 to go. Six mini-meals, three post-meals walks, four finger sticks, and one ketone test every day. Let me tell you, it gets old.
But this is what I have to do. The Taskmaster said so. (I picture mine as a dominatrix with a whip made from licorice.)
I'm thinking about her words again today as I trudge around, immersed in molasses, bilious and angry that a carb binge once again had me irreversibly awake at 3:30 a.m. with scorching heartburn, a distended stomach, and shortness of breath.
Let me define binge: 3 bowls of Bran Buds cereal. My body can't even handle a mild overdose of Bran Buds. Pathetic.
There comes a point at which you just have to acknowledge that something cannot be yours, no matter how illogical or unfair it is. I'm allergic to water? No, that can't be possible. Here, let me take a sip. *barf* Oooh, that was unpleasant. Whoever heard of a body that can't tolerate water? Let me take another sip. *barf* Hm, maybe I should use a different glass *barf* or drink it at a different time *barf* or drink it warm *barf* or drink it cold *barf* or or or *barf* *barf* *barf*
Who said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time? The problem is, as a social scientist, I like to think I'm tweaking one variable each time and see if that makes things different. I'm in denial that I'm essentially doing the same thing every single time, and suffering the same consequences. Maybe it'll be okay if I have dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate...
I have to come to terms with the fact that my body is joyfully willing to kick its own ass every time I overstep a boundary that it scratched indelibly in the dirt the last time it kicked its own ass. So far it's made two boundaries abundantly clear:
(1) artificial sweeteners are OFF-LIMITS
(2) carbs must be limited to about 25g per meal
I can handle #1 with no problem. It's #2 that's killing me. I want to be like a normal person. I want to eat a sandwich with two slices of bread. I want to have a bowl of cereal, not a ramekin. I want to eat a whole banana. I want to eat a piece of the omnipresent coffee cake in the administrative office without subsequently feeling like someone's taken a blowtorch to my esophagus. I want to eat a chocolate bar and still be able to sleep at night.
But I can't. I can't do any of that. My body has told me this repeatedly. When will I learn? Maybe when I'm sick of feeling like garbage. Today I'm sick of feeling like garbage. I guess that's what they mean by hitting rock bottom. I really do feel like I'm walking around with rocks in my bottom.
In my own defense, the vast majority of pregnant women -- some 96% -- don't have to deal with gestational diabetes. And of the 4% who do, the vast majority are diagnosed somewhere around the 28-week mark. So they have to follow this hateful diet -- and keep in mind it's hateful because the one thing almost all pregnant women crave is carbs -- for 12 weeks or so. I, on the other hand, was diagnosed at 8 weeks, meaning I have to eat a restricted-carb diet for 32 weeks. I've already been on this diet for 14 weeks and I've got another 18 to go. Six mini-meals, three post-meals walks, four finger sticks, and one ketone test every day. Let me tell you, it gets old.
But this is what I have to do. The Taskmaster said so. (I picture mine as a dominatrix with a whip made from licorice.)
posted by WinterWheat | 12:35 PM
8 Comments:
Wow, this sounds incredibly tough. I'm not intending to sound pedantic, but all this WILL end in a few more months and, at the end, for all your struggle, you will have a healthy baby. Then you can go back to eating 'normally'.
Sleeping? Well....
K,
For what it's worth, I was able to control morning sickness (usually)by nibbling on two saltines and some sugar-free 7-Up or ginger ale first thing in the morning or between meals. (Five crackers constitute a serving, so two isn't so much carbs.)
I didn't have gestational diabetes, but did strict low-carb for a few years, after the kids.
A slice of cheese works wonders to halt carb cravings. Can you have a cup of broth at lunch or is that too much salt?
I can't handle sugar alcohols like Malitol. Have you tried things sweetened with Erythritol instead? It's great! The Reese's Low Carb Peanut Butter Cups have that sweetener. Lots of people have good luck with those. You can find them at Target and at Sam's Club. Schnuck's used to have some pretty tasty low-carb bread.
Ruby Tuesday has delicious low-carb meals. Their mashed cauliflower tastes like mashed potatoes. You must treat yourself to a night out and a decent meal at once! Be good to you!
Pregnancy is no fun. I didn't care for it much, and I still say raising kids is a breeze compared to being pregnant. But you are incredibly strong and focused, and it will be so worth the effort.
this description just pains me. I am so sorry your body is giving you hell. I really can't put a good spin on it, either. Except to join others in saying that You're Strong. There Will Be A Reward. The Baby Thanks You On Some Level For All This. xoxo
Sorry to hear your body is having such an adverse reaction to chemicals. Personally, I do not trust splenda.
Now, love the licorice whip image...I could see you now, big, tall, beautiful, smelling woman who is preggers with one of those!
Oh dear, the wicked taskmaster reins supreme.
I'm sorry to hear this honey.
Talk about your lessons in patience and acceptance! This is a tough one.
big hugs to you and babe.
L
I have no words of wisdom for you at all right now, but your whole water skit there had me laughing really hard. So clearly your sense of humor is intact. That will help to get you through this, and hey, once you have the baby you get to eat like crazy - especially if you're nursing!
Oh, and you're TAGGED! Check my blog. ♥
Well Kris you have me holding my sides laughing. I am sorry but I enjoyed todays post as I have some rocks in my bottom as well. All week I have been sneaking down at night just to look at the bread &last night I did it ,at 2 am I made me a peanut butter sandwich with TWO pieces of bread. And to be really bad I did NOT test this morning. ALL I can think right now is thank you God that my baby days are behind me. As I remember back to all the things you are talking about, somedays I think ice cubes were the only treatI could have ..blinking great!!! I was the same as you right from the day I concieved my blood sugars shot up. At one point I could have banned friends from eating in front of me , why oh why do they try to feed us? I am giving you some pats on the back & 100 "oh you poor darling" . It seems you were the one who cheered me up today. Tonight when I go look in the kitchen I will say " no Kate you can't you are NOT preggers". Thanks for sharing & keep up the struggle, when I look at my sons I am shocked I did it. You will as well.. Hugs& X Katie
Thanks everybody for the inspiration, especially you, Katie, for making me laugh and feel less alone. Your comment about a PB sandwich with TWO pieces of bread and not testing the next day showed that you understand perfectly. I always imagined myself rebelling in ways that are much more black-leather, you know? *rolls eyes*
Post a Comment
<< Home