Stuck in the Middle with You
It's so hard to talk about having children without fear of upsetting, offending, or annoying someone.
I just learned that my colleague has been privately grappling with infertility for something like three years. She's never mentioned it to me (I heard it through that infamous grapevine that is female-on-female office gossip), so I don't feel comfortable approaching her about it. Apparently her heart is broken. And I think of all the times I brought my daughter by her office to wave hello. No wonder she never left her desk to come to the door.
So, as a new parent you learn to be really upbeat and broadcast your good fortune for having had children, because nothing's more irritating to someone struggling with infertility than hearing a parent kvetch. But your Pollyanna persona takes you right into nonparent-by-choice territory, where the natives are waiting for you and your maternal merriment to hurry up and leave so they can complain about how every damn parent wants to recruit more, and isn't it pathetic to have The Wiggles in your car CD player, and can't people choose not to be parents and not be viewed as heartless Scrooges for doing so?
Of course, both sides are right. It's a nightmare for people who desperately want children to learn, slowly and excruciatingly, that they can't do it biologically. And it's frustrating for people who choose not to have kids to have their choice (which was almost my choice, incidentally, and I would have been fine with it) and the capacity of their hearts doubted by everyone around them.
In the middle are those of us who decided to have kids, then had them, and really, really, desperately want to be allowed to bitch about the hard parts and sing about the good parts, without worry of hurting someone else. This, I think, is why parents end up hanging out with other parents: not just because of the obvious (we're on the same military schedule), but because we can express our true feelings without fear of hitting a very raw nerve. Er, that is, until the subject of discipline (or feeding, or potty-training, or school choice, or sex education, or or or) comes up. Hmm.
Anyway, today I'm leaning toward grateful <grin>, for my little Flea, and of course my big G:
posted by WinterWheat | 4:03 PM
6 Comments:
Great post!
And she's adorable!
I have found that dealing with parents, especially ones you meet in the public school setting, can be tricky. They may not share the same values as you, your family and close friends do.
And in the workplace, I talk about my kids with my immediate team, but generally do not talk about them with other colleagues unless they ask.
That said, honey I have to say that your husband is one handsome man! (But I think I've said that before!!) Of course, F, is as beautiful as always (but I think I've told you that, too, hee, hee!).
Hugs and love, darling K!
As a child-free (by choice) person, I have to say: I love very much the children of the people I love (there are four -- count 'em, FOUR -- imminent arrivals in my life right now) most of the time. And I like talking about the children of people I love, most of the time. And I even like hanging out with the children of people I love a lot of the time. And then... sometimes... my eyes just wanna roll right. Up. In. My. Head. And I want to go home to my place, where I can play Placebo really loud, leave sharp objects lying around (but no string -- because of the cat), and drink in the middle of the afternoon. I'm not heartless, but I must admit to being a little Scrooge-y sometimes. Especially when I've been run down three or four times in one day by strollers at the mall. (Seriously? Are you in such a mommy fog that cannot see me walking in front of you???)
That being said: I am so smitten with that Flea I could squee like a sorority girl. She just looks like she'd be a fun chica to hang out with. (And I shall tastefully refrain from making lip-smacking noises about your husband.)
K-
First off--I hope that you had a wonderful Mother's Day!
I LOVE how you have always been honest about having a child. It is not easy, it is not ALL wonderful. Did you see the Oprah episode where some Moms were being totally honest about Motherhood sucking sometimes and all the other Moms went nuts?
Whatever.
Another thing I notice about Moms is how a totally benign conversation can turn into a competition. Who walked first, who sat up first, who spoke first...it almost gets ill spirited. What is up with all that? I think Moms should be supporting each other--not tearing each other down because their baby did not walk till 10 months old. UGH!
I am childless by choice (or fear). In my line of work, I KNOW the bad things and just how very bad they can be. I honestly think I am a little paralyzed by fear. I feel bad when I cannot sympathize with women who cannot concieve. I think--GO TO EUROPE...SKY DIVE enjoy your freedom. Something is fundamentally wrong with me.
Flea is totally gorgeous!
She and G look like they are having a great time!
Hope they spoiled you rotten on Sunday!
xo
Wonderful post and what a cutie. I"m new to your blog and this is my first time posting, so I thought I would drop a note with a little information as well.
It's my one year blogging anniversary and there's a give-away at my blog, so remember to take a time-out and come take a look.
Jillian
hi,
interesting topic.
i had a moment a long time ago with an old friend on the phone who asked me that she 'didnt want me to send her any photos of my daughter ... because of the pain it made her feel on account of her (at the time) incapacity/bad luck in becoming pregnant.
Think about that for too long and it'll make you as mad as hell: hyper self vicimisation, lack of compassion, etc etc. But ... later I realised that it was a comment made from EXTream pain.
I like all the comments on this post, they all stand clear and understandable.
Conversations with other mum's plum dry my mouth out and make my eyes blood-shot lots ...
in a nut shell, it shits me that trying to steer conversation away from children and into politics, books, sex or any other regular non-kiddy stuff (aka reality) is so hard, so hard that I've bailed on trying and find myself quite the lonesome cowgirl-with-child some times ...
Tricky, hey: the forever balancing act.
Good luck !
d
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