Triticum Turgidum

Lying Dormant and Waiting to Bloom Since 2005

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Location: The Prairie, Illinois, United States

I am a beauty-loving ambidextrous higher-order primate who learned transcendental meditation at 7, statistical analysis at 23, tap dancing at 30, and piano at 35. I tolerate gluten, lactose, and differences of opinion, but not abuse. Or beets.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Barren


Is it possible to grieve the loss of someone you've never met?

G and I have been actively trying to conceive our second child for 8 months. In February I battled with my insurance company to get them to cover infertility services, and I'm still astonished that I won: they agreed to start coverage March 1 instead of making me wait until September 1.

We had already paid for some tests out of pocket. There are problems on both sides. The biggest problem is that my test for anti-mullerian hormone (AMH), the gold standard indicator of ovarian reserve, came back almost undetectably low. It's supposed to measure both quantity and quality of eggs. The weird thing is, my cycles have been normal. Usually women going into premature ovarian failure have wonky cycles. So my fertility docs think it might be an indicator of quality for me; they're guessing that my Graves' Disease accelerated the aging of my eggs, so I keep ovulating but every one is a blooper. They said that they don't see AMH levels this low in 38-year-olds... it's as though I have the eggs of a 45-year-old.

They gently delivered the estimation of a 5% chance of conception, even with aggressive treatment (in-vitro fertilization). We're going ahead with it not because I think it'll work, but because now my insurance will cover it and I want to be able to look back and say I did everything in my power.

Off to kiss my daughter. I knew I was lucky to have her, but that was all intellectual before. Now it's in my gut. I'm afraid I'll become overprotective. She's been such a gift. Still, I keep thinking about the one I will never have, and... I'm sad.

7 Comments:

Anonymous jonniker said...

I'm so sorry, Kris.

10:35 PM, March 08, 2008  
Blogger violetnoir said...

I'm sorry, too, darling.

Hugs and love!

1:17 PM, March 10, 2008  
Blogger KrashtieC said...

No words can express the sorrow I feel in my heart. I know of so many people who've had a difficult time conceiving. One in particular comes to mind.

She is a friend of my brother's wife, Julie. "Shelly" was told she'd never have children. She and her husband had several in vitro attempts and spent tens of thousands of dollars out of their pockets with no results. Just when they were ready to give up, they finally conceived and had a daughter. They were told they just got lucky and chances were it wouldn't happen again as each of them had problems. (The quality of her eggs was poor and he had poor motility.) They went through an experimental program (which probably isn't experimental anymore) where the docs took her sister's eggs, removed the DNA and replaced it with her own DNA. So they repackaged her eggs inside her sister's "shell". They used these eggs for in vitro and had great success. They now have THREE kids all born in separate years! It is some sort of miracle!

The point is to encourage you. Your beautiful, smart little 2 year old miracle is living proof that there IS hope! It has only been 10 days since your insurance was approved so go at it (wink, wink!)

I can't imagine how you must be feeling with respect to mourning someone you've not met (I'll interject "YET"), other than to say the miscarriage I had before Lauren gave me similar feelings of missing someone whom I'd never had the opportunity to hold even though I felt I knew. Love is a powerful thing - especially a Mother's Love - because we are capable of loving the babies we've not met, whether they've been conceived yet or not.

Hugs to you and G and Flea!

Crossing my fingers, toes, heart and praying for your next miracle to come soon.
((O)) KC

7:51 AM, March 11, 2008  
Blogger StyleSpy said...

((((((K))))) So sorry, dearest. And can I just say, I feel we're all lucky to have your daughter -- she's so wonderful. As are you. Sending love.

9:27 AM, March 11, 2008  
Blogger AngelaCh1 said...

I am so sorry, K.

I am thinking of you and Flea.

xox

6:00 PM, March 11, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, K. I could babble on and share several anecdotes about people I've known or heard about who thought they were infertile, and then guess what! they got pregnant! .... but what good would that do? Your situation is your own, and it is unique. And painful.

I hope the fertility treatments will do the trick. Even with medical issues and age considerations, it is possible to have another baby. I just had one at 39, and I have diabetes (gestational that morphed into Type 1), thyroid issues and god knows what else. Oh no, there I go sharing an anecdote even though I didn't mean to. *sigh* Just know I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best, OK?
-Sue (MUA SuburbanSue)

7:46 PM, March 24, 2008  
Blogger Parisjasmal said...

Hugs to you and Flea-

And if you need anything--please be in touch. D's door is always open to awesome folks like you and G.

8:30 AM, April 01, 2008  

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